A friend asked me to write a column discussing the keys to a happy marriage. She presumes there are secrets underlying the enduring harmony she acknowledges I share with Baby and that these might collectively serve as an exemplar for other, less fortunate couples.
My first thought was to dismiss the topic out of hand for the answer seemed both patently obvious and irreproducible: women find me irresistible.
However, for one whose looks are exceeded only by his humility, I elected to delve more deeply. Also, just between us, I confess a certain growing trepidation regarding the perpetuation of our heretofore joyous bond.
If conservatives are correct, now that same sex marriage has been legalized the handwriting is on the wall for me and Baby. Though I confess exactly why this is so eludes me, how can I doubt the group who has made the authors of the "Left Behind" series millionaires?
Something else eludes me as well. Is the impact of homosexual marriage upon the happiness I share with Baby ipso facto deleterious or might there be mitigating factors?
For example, if the Bush league seriously attempts an amendment to the U.S. Constitution preventing such nuptials and succeeds will my marriage remain in jeopardy if homosexuals are still allowed to marry in Canada?
Or are we OK because God likes Americans better than everybody else?
Would that the issue were so cut and dried!
If the Bush league is correct, characterizing as traitors those who continue to question a president who repeatedly manipulates data in service to otherwise insupportable foreign and domestic policies, than am I less of an American? If this proves to be the case, does our joyful union remain in jeopardy by virtue of the behavior of blasphemous Canadians?
Though I find it impossible to anticipate thought processes driven by fear rather than logic, is it possible conservatives will resurrect and adapt the "Domino Theory" of the Vietnam era? Will they aver the danger to our marriage increases as courts down the Eastern Seaboard conform to the view recently articulated in Massachusetts? Could the accelerating geographical proximity of married homosexuals render increasingly destabilized our once happy home?
Yikes! It just occurred to me, since conservative leaders tend to rally their minions through the ever-dependable rhetoric of fear and hatred is it possible we may soon hear "Homosexuals want to marry our sisters!"?
As this reminds me of the odious oratory spewing from the Bible Belt during the '60s when blacks had the audacity to demand equal rights, I find amusing today's newspapers featured a '60s-style body count (Iraqi) as a headline. As the godless, hated French observe, "The more things change, the more they remain the same."
While the Bush league attempts to revive support for its Iraqi policy among its constituency by throwing scraps of meat at those predisposed to bloodlust, homosexuals might exploit the moment.
By pointing out what percentage of the dead were dispatched by homosexual American soldiers conservatives will at least find their loyalty divided. At best they will find themselves suddenly eager to embrace (figuratively) their Homo-American brothers and sisters.
Ideally the most important lesson homosexuals will glean from their experiences in America's "Don't ask, don't tell" armed forces is that sometimes you must sacrifice a battle to win a war.
To this end, I would like to see a concerted effort to advise voters to ignore efforts of conservatives to make homosexual marriage a focus of the forthcoming presidential election. It should be evident to homosexuals that those determined to deny them social equality will benefit by allowing this issue to sway the easily manipulated.
Rather, activists should make it clear this battle for equality may best be served by addressing issues upon which conservatives and the Republican Party representing them do not want Americans to focus.
Equality for all American citizens, first enabled by removing the Bush league from power, will be pursued in due course.
Call me altruistic but even though I will inevitably face the supreme sadness of a broken home I will do what I can to facilitate the removal of the hateful from political influence and political office. Thereafter that cornerstone of the American self-image, our concern for human rights, will once again be permitted to flourish.
R.H. Joseph is a longtime employee of the News Daily. His column appears on Wednesdays. He may be reached at (770) 478-5753, ext. 252, or by e-mail at email@example.com.