Last year almost 10,000 cases of fraud and identity theft were reported in Georgia alone. Due to some form of Internet scam, credit card fraud or good old-fashioned garbage picking, many Georgians aren't exactly the same folks they were two years ago. In fact, they're each a few more folks than they were two years ago. This begs the question: why can't these likeness thieves steal mine? Come on and get it because I need a break from myself!
Seriously, please take my identity. I've got credit card debt, rent and car payments out my ears, long work hours are wearing me down and the allergy headaches have been kicking up lately. Although I possess a deadly assassin wit and the focused concentration of a knife thrower I'm sick of listening to myself think. (Sorry, you can't steal the wit.)
To all of the bottom feeding soul suckers out there, here's my info. You've got the name and a general way of finding out more about me through the paper. Google "Rob Felt" and you'll find a tiny bit more, if you can wade through the porn that the last name Felt raises to the surface. My Social Security number is 285-32-double-niner-dogleg. Use that little mug shot over there to make a driver's license.
Get to it n I want my vacation. My plans include sitting on a couch in a hotel room somewhere and playing video games while having nothing but Kraft Deluxe macaroni and cheese and Diet Cokes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's been a few years since my serious hand cramp and eyestrain gaming days and I'm anxious to get back to them.
I'll be retaining the rights to my family, friends and girlfriend, so you won't have to worry about them nagging at you n this is mutually beneficial, don't feel slighted. Once you get set up as me there are only a few things to worry about. Pay the bills, of course, and go to work. If something interesting comes up in the news I may step in to shoot it, but for the most part you'll be on your own.
Freelance work is off limits because I'll need some way to pay for the hotel and video games. I can offer a cut of this income above what my cost of living is. Take it or leave it.
From time to time I may visit the fish I keep on my desk at work. Please feed them and change the water regularly, vacuum the gravel and change the filter about once a month. Also keep my co-worker Clay in line. Make sure he doesn't spend all morning eating his oatmeal and calling restaurants to find the best soup-de-jour for his lunch. Tell him to make your photo assignments first and then read "News of the Weird."
That's about it. The rest is self-explanatory. You can use the credit cards all you want once you pay them off, and my car should run until you have about a year's worth of payments left. Direct any questions to the Plaza Hotel at 33 Main Road. I'll be in suite K207-50-alpha.
Rob Felt is the photographer for the Daily Herald. He can be reached at (770) 957-9161 or via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.