What is the opposite of "Divide and conquer?" Now that the Bush league has succeeded in doing for Iraq's Sunni and Shiite Muslims what God himself cannot do for Ireland's Roman Catholic and Protestant Christians, things look bleak.
Fortunately for the Republicans, I have switched alliances. Now, as regular readers are aware, I am making every effort to advance the Republican cause.
I recently suggested that because the Bush league is facing a loss of confidence among its constituency it is incumbent upon them to inaugurate a campaign to re-energize and refocus their voters. Already aware of their constituency's (how shall I say this?) lack of sophistication and predisposition toward hatred, my idea was to establish a common cause: Rid America of left wing homosexual Jewish evolution teachers seeking marriage licenses.
Alas, I was a day late and a dollar short. I have since learned that the prescient Republican leadership had already selected the French to represent all that is evil in the world. As President Bush makes clear, this simplistic good versus evil scenario is easily conceptualized.
As for me, I am ashamed of my limited imagination and celebrate the genius of my betters. In case you haven't heard, Republican leadership is stirring their waffling minions to repudiate John Kerry by suggesting he looks French.
What a triumph for American politics! How proud I am that those who would deny office to an individual who "looks French," those who had previously decided George Bush best represents them, may yet fill all local, state and federal offices with their fellow sophisticates.
While historians looking back on our age will surely consider this the nadir of America's existence, I hold no such view.
A Republican through and through, how can I vote for anyone who looks like he comes from the country responsible for the Age of Enlightenment. It was these educated malcontents of the past, you will recall, who promoted reason above superstition, intellectual curiosity above docile obedience.
As a patriotic Republican I shudder when I think what might have become of my beloved land had our founding fathers reflected such views.
And that ain't all. Not only did the French also invent quiche, they pretend to be able to differentiate one wine from another and one cheese from another. If God (who's on America's side) wanted us to behave so pretentiously he wouldn't have given us Velveeta, "an American cheese food product."
I mention all this as a preamble to the focus of this column: a warning to my fellow Republicans. I was shocked to discover the depths plumbed by Democrats in their odious quest to put an intelligent man in the White House.
In an attempt to subvert the Republican constituency in Georgia Democrats have polluted the purity of our American political organization with a ringer: The state Republican Party chairman is named Alec Poitevint.
Folks, I don't know or care how Poitevint pronounces his name because I know its origin: France! How could this have happened?
If you think I'm making too much of this consider that he and Georgia's Republican governor, Sonny Perdue, spend quality time together. "So what?" you ask.
Sonny's the guy who got elected by wrapping himself in the battle flag of the Confederacy and promising to make it our state flag (or some variation thereof).
Do you see the flag anywhere? What happened to these best laid plans?
Though I can only surmise I feel confident some variation of the following took place:
Sonny, like Bush, is a follower chosen from a constituency of followers. When the Frenchman Poitevint started talking to him about such poppycock as respect for the rights of others and the economically counterproductive aspects of making Georgia appear a state of knuckle draggers, our pudgy politico succumbed.
Fellow Republicans, we cannot let this continue. Not only must we rid our ranks of contemptible Frenchmen (Thank God our conservative misogyny allows us to dismiss French women as politically insignificant. Ooh, la la!), we must continue and expand the practice that so accurately represents our political and cultural sophistication: the renaming of French fries. "Freedom Fries" forever!
Our diligence must extend beyond searching every IHOP for evidence of French toast on the menu, the word "menu" itself must be expunged. Guess where it comes from?
Only one thing concerns me. The French gave us the Statue of Liberty yet Bush protects it. True Republicans, true patriots cannot allow this to continue!
R.H. Joseph is a longtime employee of the News Daily. He may be reached at (770) 478-5753, ext. 252, or by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.