Having hunted down and killed my Christmas tree, dragged its corpse home and decorated it with lights and shiny baubles, I am filled with the Yule spirit.
Like any good American family, my wife and I spent the weekend arguing about money. Then we decorated the tree and all those nasty credit card bills disappeared in a blaze of twinkling, blinking, multicolored lights. Of course, like mushrooms, they will grow larger in the dark of our self-imposed darkness.
Still, anybody who wants to steal my credit card can have the bloody thing. I have five more.
Anyway, also in keeping with the tradition of the American Christmas, we have begun accruing Christmas lights and decorations. Being a pair of heathens, my wife and I do tend to focus on the material aspects of the holiday.
Bright lights, presents and eggnog, that's what we want. Well, there's a little bit of that "Christmas spirit" pushing us to be nice to other people. For example, my neighbor's tiny yappy monster dog came into my yard again yesterday, and I didn't try to smash it with a stick.
Why, I didn't even yell.
Anyway, back to the accumulation of Christmas lights. We had enough this year to stretch along the front of the house and up the triangular dormer over our front bedroom window. To do so, however, I was required to mount the top of my house.
Now, I'm not afraid of heights. I'm more afraid of edges, as in the edge of one surface that happens to be high above the next surface.
So, up on the roof I have no problem walking around in the middle of the roof. But the lights don't go in the middle, they go on the edge!
I did OK, though most construction workers probably would have laughed at my wimpy, weak manner when faced by a 7-foot drop.
And I had everything done, too, until my wife noticed a gap.
"Don't you think that looks stupid? You should pull it back a little."
Pull it back a little?! You mean lean toward the edge again, unclip the wires I just risked my life to clip there, and pull some of the slack back so I can risk my life again to re-clip all of it?!
Yes, that's what she meant. And have you ever noticed that a woman's competence level goes way up when she's pregnant and has an excuse not to do anything.
"I would do it if I wasn't pregnant."
Well, can't have the wife thinking I'm just a scaredy-cat, can I? So I did what had to be done, because, after all, you can't have a gap.
So now we're all lit up and ready for Santa, who we really need this year, because we can't afford to buy our own presents. Now, in the spirit of the season, I have a message for my Christian friends.
I love you all. Overall, you are all nice people and I'm glad to know you. I just wish you would, you know, stop passing laws that force your beliefs on everybody else. That's all.
But seriously, I'm sure most of you truly believe what you are doing is for the greater good, and while I don't agree with that, I respect the kindness, generosity and overall integrity that most of you have.
So, let's all get together and sing some carols. Ho, ho, ho, merry X-mas (ha, just kidding), and may it snow at least a little on Dec. 25.
But not too much, because I'll be driving again.
Ed Brock covers public safety and municipalities at the News Daily. He can be reached at (770) 478-5753 ext. 254 or at email@example.com .