I waited until the last minute to write, but I know you always read our paper's website and so will get this in time to fill my wish list.
Since you peek in the windows during the year to find out if us little boys have been good or bad you may have noticed that everything that is not still in the stores is in my house. I am serious. Every time I can't find my hammer in two minutes of searching I go out and buy another. Every time I see a shirt I like in the store but it is in five colors I buy each color because I don't want to make a decision. I fear if we ever have an earthquake shake near my house that the combination of books, clothes, do-dads and other assorted junk will crash down upon me, burying me deeper than any snow avalanche.
So since you know this and I know this, then please , Santa, don't bring me any other stuff. I really don't need a sixth VCR. I really don't need a fourth hair dryer since I am fast approaching that time when I don't even need one.
But Santa, I still want some things this Christmas but not stuff that can further make it harder to push my way into my apartment.
I want you to send me a zapper machine to destroy every cell phone within 20 miles of me. I am sick of hearing about what people are having for dinner, how their trip was, how much they miss the person on the other end and other junk that would hold until they get off the plane, train, out of the mall or where ever.
I also want you to give me a radar gun so when I call some business and it starts me on the 30-minute "press two for this and four for that" I can zap the business into ashes. Please, Santa, bring human beings back.
I want the world to be at peace for just an hour. I want it permanently but Santa, I know you have toys to make and bringing this present would be a full-time job.
I want you to make me stop having a good memory, because I am tired of remembering when gasoline was 19 cents a gallon while I am pumping $1.80 gas or remembering all of the slights or wrongs I may have done people when I can't go back now and fix them.
So, I'm only a handful of years away from looking to Social Security and so can you give members of Congress enough toys to play with so they won't hack the benefits or raise the retirement age again until I can start drawing something. (Santa, do they have Social Security at the North Pole?)
Santa, can you make me slow down a little more so I don't make those stupid moves in chess in which my much better opponent will say things like: "Are you sure you want to make that move?" I am not asking that you let me win, just prolong the time between the start of the match and the defeat.
Santa, if you've already done these things in the wink of an eye I would like to stop a second and thank you for what you do each year. You keep some very special reindeer employed. If these super-deer fell in the wrong hands we could have quite a mess around the world. You keep them focused on getting in shape for the big night when they are not taking a little time off for reindeer games.
Also, Jolly Ole Elf, you inspire all of us who sometimes have a tendency to think only of ourselves. The true spirit of this time of year is to learn to find warmth in doing for others without thinking of what we will get out of it. I am not sure how you got started doing this, but you certainly are the beacon that makes all of us strive to help others. Also, for those of us who have tended to eat or drink a little too much and are not older versions of Abercrombie and Fitch models, you stand as an example that you can be jolly even though you are carrying a few pounds over the limit.
So Santa, if you come to my house and find that I ate the cookies I meant to leave out for you, feel free to take a shirt or book or VCR.
Bob Paslay is assistant managing editor of the News Daily and Daily Herald. He can be reached at (770) 478-5753 Ext. 257 or at firstname.lastname@example.org .