I am afraid. I am afraid of everything they tell me to be afraid of. Frankly, they've made me so afraid, I'm afraid not to be afraid.
I'm afraid my computer might be "at risk," because every time I turn it on a little box pops up and tells me I should be afraid.
It says I need "virus protection" and tells me how to get it.
I need other "protection" because I'm afraid I might get other viruses if I don't have it.
I'm afraid of bad breath and bad teeth and even bad taste. If I don't have what they call good taste, no one's ever going to get close enough to tell if I have bad breath or bad teeth.
I'm afraid I'm losing my hair and that if I don't buy the hair-restoring shampoo, I'll never get married, have kids, get divorced, pay child support, get remarried, get divorced again and die bald, smelly, and alone like I'm supposed to.
I'm afraid if I do get married, I'll get divorced, get married again, get divorced again and still, die bald, smelly and alone.
I'm afraid I eat too many carbs and not enough antioxidants and dietary fiber.
I'm afraid my bad cholesterol is too high and my good cholesterol isn't high enough. I'm afraid, too, because I don't know the difference between bad cholesterol and good cholesterol.
I'm afraid of heart disease, cancer, diabetes and gingivitis. I'm afraid of asthma, chronic lung disease and smog-alert days. I'm afraid to go outside because it's too hot and I might have a heat stroke.
I'm afraid I might get writer's block, writer's cramp or carpal tunnel syndrome.
I'm afraid of walking in the woods and getting bitten by snakes and chiggers and ticks and mostly mosquitoes. Ticks carry Lyme disease and mosquitoes, West Nile and malaria.
I'm afraid I don't listen to the right music or watch the right movies or read the right books. I'm afraid I drive too much and don't walk enough.
I'm afraid I worry too much and don't get enough sleep. I'm afraid if I don't get enough sleep, I'll worry too much. Then I'll get an ulcer.
Then I try not to worry but start to worry that I'm not worrying enough and letting my guard down will make me vulnerable to getting into an auto accident or into a fight.
I'm afraid the world is getting warmer and the seas are getting higher. I'm afraid that if it's true, there's nothing I can do but even if I could, I'm afraid I might not.
I'm afraid of being a bad person, rude, indignant and unjust.
I'm afraid I'm not confident, competent or conventional.
I'm afraid I am awkward, arrogant and anal-retentive.
I'm afraid of prostate cancer, colon cancer, testicular cancer and hypochondria.
I'm afraid I haven't asked my doctor about Zocor, Lipitor, Prilosec, Zoloft, Claritin, Valtrex, Celebrex or Levitra
I'm afraid everyone wants to make you think that somehow you're not like everybody else.
Michael Davis covers government for the Daily Herald. He can be reached at (770) 957-9161 or via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org .