Letters to the Editor

Saving Social Security

Since we all know partisan politics won't fix Social Security, I decided to come up with my own plan. I call it the "Protect My Security" plan, or PMS for short. Everybody knows you need a catchy pseudonym to bring attention to a new idea. Besides, I'm starting to get a little irritable about all of this partisan bickering. I started to call it "Citizens Rebelling Against Partisanship" but those initials were a little too catchy and too synonymous with the fine mess we find ourselves in.

Even stubborn Democrats agree that the main obstacle facing Social Security is the impending shortage of future workers to support our aging population. In plain English (for those who speak it): as "baby boomers" reach the "geezer" stage, there won't be enough younger workers coming along to sustain benefits.

Back in the day, our forefathers remedied worker shortages by simply letting nature take its course. Whenever there were too many fields to tend they didn't run out and hire a bunch of illegal aliens; they took matters into their own hands and just had more kids. It's the age-old principle of supply and demand. When the farm demanded more help, Dad and Mom just kicked up production. The size of the family was pretty much determined by the size of the farm or how cold the winter was.

As I see it, the whole Social Security dilemma can be blamed on Planned Parenthood. My simple but ingenious plan is to do away with birth control for younger couples and supply Viagra to the old folk. This would create another baby boom, adding future workers to the work force and saving Social Security. The plan would exclude same-sex marriages in California and Massachusetts, of course. Even if it doesn't work at least it will give AARP members something else to do besides complain about Bush's plan.

- Deryl Duncan