God gave a brief outline of his feelings surrounding catastrophe fallout Wednesday in a press release directed to media outlets around the world. The statement addressed specific instances where bystanders to accidents, fires and other fatal events thanked God afterwards that they were spared.
"This type of comment troubles me deeply. I don't single anyone out for death, and assuming that I've let someone live through any given catastrophe assumes that I've chosen another to die," God said in the written statement. "If that were true, what kind of God would I be?"
The two page statement went on to list several examples of news coverage where people thanked God into a television camera after others had died.
An anonymous spokesbeing for God held a brief press conference following the release of God's statements.
"It's unbelievable," the spokesbeing said. "We've been working for several millennia to correct these types of perceptions, but to be honest we're just not getting through to the people."
God made a note in his statement to explain that the recent tsunami was not a work of his direct actions, but a by-product of Earth's design. "Sometimes these things can't be helped. Without getting into plate tectonics and tidal forces, I'll just say that, from an engineering standpoint, cutbacks had to be made somewhere," His statement read. "No one was sacrificed or spared intentionally."
The press conference took an uncomfortable turn when Wilma Rose, 84, spoke up between questions and interrupted reporters.
"I've believed for my whole life that everything happens for a reason, and if someone dies in a car crash and someone else doesn't that's because God wants it to be so! The ones that lived should thank God for not taking them! That's what I think," Rose said. Reporters noted her words, and photographers snapped pictures of the elderly woman as she stood and waited for an answer from the spokesbeing.
"Well... I've been sent to deliver Our message with grace, but the only answer I can give you is that you're wrong, and it's too complicated to adequately explain why. This is a matter of faith, and We ask for your continued support. Sorry," the spokesbeing said.
After the press conference, the spokesbeing thanked the media and ascended back to Heaven.
Craig Roth, 32, expressed amazement after watching the event on TV at a local bar.
"I guess God really does work in mysterious ways. Maybe we shouldn't try to interpret everything that happens on Earth for Him," Roth said.
Rob Felt is the photographer for the Daily Herald. He can be reached at (770) 957-9161 or firstname.lastname@example.org .