not to be

To the editor:

What's so special about being an American citizen? Apparently, not a whole lot.

Oh, they do get to pay taxes. All kinds of them to all sorts of different governments. These taxes never go down, they just go up. They also multiply - rapidly - almost as rapidly as the country's illegal population. These taxes pay for all kinds of good things. Like Social Security - a system so convoluted and bizarre that it defies rational explanation and would actually be illegal were it proposed by a private entity. Like government schools - whose rate of decline in academic achievement is no less than catastrophic.

So, for those of you around the world who just want to make a better life for ourselves (albeit at someone else's expense) there's a very attractive option open to you. Consider becoming an "undocumented alien" or, better still, if that phrase offends your sensibilities, try "guest worker" - which seems to work really well for all of the politicians and liberal do-gooders out there. It sure beats the daylights out of "illegal alien" or "wetback" or "thief."

Consider the immediate benefits conferred upon you as a poor, innocent victim of social oppression. Your "tax-free" status will certainly make life a lot simpler for you, as well as less expensive. Let the citizens pay them. Work if you want it. Welfare if you don't. You'll have access to a deteriorating (but that's another story) educational system, which, in many cases, is quite willing to teach your children in your native language and grant them instate tuition rates at state universities. What a country!

Not feeling up to snuff today? Go to the nearest local Emergency Room - if it's still open. They'll take (good) care of you. They have to.

Need a driver's license? Go to the local MVB and get one. They'll help you over any rough spots.

Best of all, no need to worry yourself about being caught. You have a friendly government which graciously and at no charge, prints and distributes detailed, illustrated instructions on how to get into the U.S. and how to survive and elude detection once you've gotten here. They even, in some cases, provide escorts, so you can avoid border patrols and those pesky "minutemen."

Once in the U.S.A. should you be unlucky or stupid enough to get caught - not to fret. You have loads of friends out there like the A.C.L.U., who've made sure the police can't even ask if you're a citizen. They'll just give you some future hearing date and turn you loose (an especially attractive benefit for those of you who happen to be terrorists.) Besides, in a little while another "amnesty" will solve that problem.

You may be here illegally, but you've got something every American citizen wishes they had - political clout. Why even President Fox is on your side, lobbying and working tirelessly on your behalf. His buddy George Bush will also see to it that your best interests are protected. How about that!

The phenomenal wave of illegal entry/invasion into this county is becoming more and more the subject of heated debate. But all of you "guest workers" out there don't have to worry because the politicians of both parties ignore it, justify it and even promote it while, at the same time, loudly denouncing any and all who oppose it as racists, bigots, vigilantes, and selfish, uncompassionate, greedy, anti-immigration isolationists.

Have a great trip.

ANDREW JACOBSON

Riverdale