U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Congressman John Murtha and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid have submitted to Congress a sweeping change in the way we wage war in Iraq.
Pelosi, Murtha and Reid have concluded that the casus belli is not compelling enough to keep up the gun-play in Baghdad. The Democrats will ask Congress to fund the purchase of 4 million rubber bands to use as stinging projectiles against the terrorists in Iraq.
Pelosi, in a secret meeting with the President, assured him that she has conferred with Al Queda, the Kurds and the Sheia, and all agree, and swear on a stack of bibles, to lay down their arms and use the rubber band as the official weapon of the war in Baghdad, Afghanistan, and soon to be, Turkey.
Only the recently surfaced, former information minister of Iraq, Saeed Al-sahaf, objected to a strategical change in weapons, insisting that the United States provide him with a convincing study on the use of such a weapon, suspecting that the U.S. might have an ulterior motive.
Speaker Pelosi, ever co-operative with radical terrorist thugs, agreed to Al-sahaf's request and, here is an overview provided to him of the unbiased pros and cons of the rubber band as a weapon of war.
Pentagon study of rubber bands as a tactical weapon:
Directive 1. Rubberbands shall be at least, but not more than, 4.875 inches in circumference. (Al-sahaf objected to this size restriction citing statistics which show that Iraquis have smaller hands than Americans.) Pelosi agreed and convinced the Joint Chiefs of Staff to revise the size to 3.657 inches.
Dir. 2. Warring factions must purchase the rubber bands from either, Band-It Rubber Co., or Beacon Line Rubber Co. Pelosi and Al-sahaf agree to put their rubber company stocks in a blind trust.
Dir. 3. In combat, if you are struck by an opponent's rubber band, you must sit out the rest of the war. (Osama Bin Laden objected to this restriction, so Pelosi reached a compromise with Bin Laden which provided a 2-to-5-minute time out, if struck by a rubber band, but this exemption is afforded to Al Queda only.)
Dir. 4. Rubber bands may be carried only in open view, preferably around the arms and transferred to the fingers for firing only. Al Queda objected to this, and insisted that non-coalition forces be allowed to hide their rubber bands, both on their person and at various road-side caches. Pelosi, egged on by Congressman Murtha, reluctantly agreed.
Dir. 5. Rubber-band snipers are prohibited, except in crucial outposts, such as mosques, caves and holes in the ground.
After a secret meeting with Al Queda about 8 clicks from the suspected Bin Laden cave, Speaker Pelosi delivered a perfectly treasonous document outlining the pitfalls and inside tips on rubber-band warfare.
My sources got hold of the egregious screed and here is a part of it:
A.) Don't pull the band too tautly. Doing so can cause a painful backfiring or even snapping, which could put your eye out. B.) Cut your fingernails, as a sharp nail on your shooting finger might sever the band. C.) When firing your rubber band, account for gravity. D.) The Baghdad branch of the U.S.O. will offer classes on integral calculus ,which will better help you understand how to hit a moving target. Speaker Pelosi will monitor the classes.
E.) A helpful tidbit: The average rubber band (#31 standard band) travels at the speed of 11.71 m.p.h., with a flight longevity of 1.31 sec., with a range of 22' 6".)
Finally, after all the details of the rubber-band war were in place, Speaker Pelosi suggested a mock start of the conflict, partly to see how it would go, but mostly for the P.R. value. She distributed several thousand rubber bands from her personal stash, then mounted an awaiting camel and waived the red flag, signaling the rubber-band warriors to commence firing.
When the dust settled, 7,456 coalition forces (mostly American soldiers) were killed, primarily by pistol fire and a random shoulder weapon here or there. Speaker Pelosi was kidnapped by Bin Laden's henchmen and is suspected to be dead, or worse.
Al Queda forces and other hooded mercenaries danced in the streets, playing rubber-band war with the rubber bands removed from the bodies of the dead soldiers. Al Queda did suffer one casualty: During the victory celebration, an improperly fired rubber band backfired and put out the eye of Al-sahaf's cousin.
James Studdard is an attorney. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org