I hate Earth Day. I'm serious. It makes my head hurt.
Pours buckets full of tiredness into my soul. Forty years of watching it slowly transform from a vibrant, subversive movement to an ineffectual Hallmark holiday has sucked all the energy out of me.
We're approaching President's Day here, in terms of vapid commercialization. This little, hippie girl -- Earth Day -- got tarted-up like a hooker on shore-leave on payday, with parades and coupons and big-box stores stocking aisles, with the sole intent of bridging the holiday-purchasing gap between yellow Marshmallow Peeps and red, white and blue Sparklers. "Earth Day Candy. 100% Organic Sugar. It's green!"
I'm worn out by people so busy proving they're planet-friendly, they end up spraining their own arms patting themselves on the backs for barely remembering to throw an empty beer bottle at a blue bin.
For flaunting their extreme green commitment with a personalized, embroidered, hemp shopping bag swinging provocatively to the front door of the Park and Rob, or from the back hatch of an SUV.
I'm sick of the politicians. All of them. The supposedly sympathetic ones, staging their sanctimoniously phony photo-ops in front of CGI forest glens, while their staff is under strict orders to do everything in their power to stall environmental reform to the point of arguing about punctuation.
And the unsympathetic ones simply wear me out, expressing their smirking faux concern over the larger problem of cow flatulence.
I'm way weary of the corporations weaseling their way into our wallets with nonsense as transparent as the curtains at Grey Gardens. "Earth Day, brought to you by Dow Chemical. Without whom this event would neither be possible, nor necessary. Co-sponsored by Mobil-Exxon, Spanning the globe to find new ways to teach fish to breathe oil."
And you know who just drains me? Those big hotels shoving their laminated cardboard placards into our faces from the top of the bathroom sink with the sole purpose of instilling guilt. "We here at Acme Rest want to see the burrowing barn owl smile. So don't make us wash your sheets. Oh sure, you can have new towels if you want. You'll kill Bambi's mom. It's up to you."
Hey, I just want new towels from the previous guy. Is that going to be a problem?
The naysayers? These people are exhausting. You'd think that since Obama had rescued the fair damsel, Science, from eight long years of Executive dungeon darkness, that people would, at least, say nice things about her hair. You'd be wrong. "We don't know what's causing the greenhouse effect. You're costing jobs." As opposed to costing lives.
Then, the idiots keep lighting matches to see how high the pool of gasoline has risen. Hey! Your shoes are wet. What else you need to know?
Al Gore puts me to sleep and Prius drivers make me want to plotz. Not the Prius. The drivers.
The EPA? I get drowsy just thinking about them. With their impenetrable lack of bark and bite and teeth, and the same goes for the media, who can't even get worked up for one lousy day a year, and yeah, that also means me. As I said, I hate Earth Day. But you know what? It sure beats the alternative.
Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at firstname.lastname@example.org.