The Fourth of July is an important time for Americans. Not only do we have the opportunity to enjoy a day away from work, we also get to do what we can to best show our patriotism.
In my case, that usually means lighting firecrackers and other small explosives. While some may do so in honor of the Revolutionary War that gave us our freedom in the first place, I do so in order to keep the Communists at bay.
Every year I make it a point to light larger and larger batches of fireworks in order to show that as Americans we're too crazy to be messed with. I feel it's our best defense against the likes of Al Qeada.
In the world of sports there have been many great patriots who seemed to have made it their mission in life to present the idea that we're Americans and we're crazy. So don't mess with us.
Mike Tyson is a prime example. It was not enough for him to be a man-monster with fists of steel. Sure, he was scary, but not crazy scary.
Someone must have told him this, so he famously tried to eat Evander Holyfield's ear. Then he went on to get a ridiculous tattoo on his face. I'm pretty sure the Bolsheviks want nothing to do with us knowing we let a man like him run free.
I don't think it is a coincidence that we waited until after the Berlin Wall fell to put Tyson in prison.
I would imagine when it comes to striking fear in one's enemy; it's one thing to present the amount of violence you can dish out. It's another thing entirely when you show off the amount of violence you willing to risk enduring.
Pro Skateboarder Tony Hawk takes this idea to extreme measures. Hawk was just a young boy when someone presented him with a small, rickety piece of wood with four small wheels attached to it.
Hawk thought it would be a good idea to take this contraption of death and ride over progressively larger sets of jumps, adding in crazier and crazier tricks each time.
He pretty made a career out of miraculously not crippling himself.
In doing so, he sent out the important message to other countries, that if anyone was thinking of invading us, they would have to contend with a population that risks death for fun. What could their puny weapons do against us?
Violence is not the only means of attack for our roster of deranged athletes.
No one can forget the valuable contributions Dennis Rodman has made to our international image no matter how hard we try to forget.
Rodman could have settled for just being one of the NBA's greatest rebounders, but that was a bit boring for the former basketball star.
As soon as he began appearing in public in wedding dresses with more hair color than that horse in the Wizard of Oz our psychological assault against all who would do harm to this country was set firmly in place.
So in honor of the 233rd anniversary of the founding of this nation, I for one, say thank you to all of you psychotic sports stars and everything you do to keep us safe.
Zack Huffman is a sports writer for The Daily and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org