Excuse me, but I got a couple of questions. What's the deal? What happened? Am I missing something?
I mean, come on, Barack Obama assumed office almost two entire, complete, whole months ago, and I look in the paper and guess what?
Equivalence. The war in Iraq rages on. Global warming ... continuing hotness. AND, in case you haven't noticed, the economy... major suckage.
What is up with that? I thought we were in line for some change. This sounds like a serious case of the old same old same old.
The biggest difference since Jan. 20 is Rush Limbaugh now dresses like a Sopranos Family hit man and his head has gotten bloatier. If that's possible.
And now, Mister Smarty Pants Commander-in-Chief is talking about how any significant improvement is going to take time. "Don't expect too much too soon."
Oh yeah, great. Change, but small change. Nickels and pennies and dimes. Maybe, one of his advisers should remind him that his constituents are not an incremental people.
Rather, we have the attention span of hickory ash in a wind tunnel. In the land of "too much is not enough," tomorrow is too far into the future by at least two days.
This "baby steps" approach is definitely not what people had in mind last November. Pretty sure folks were thinking more along the lines of something wonderful right away.
Snap some fingers. Wave some wands. Tall buildings being leapt in a single bound. The righteous smiting of foes. Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew, cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two? The president can.
The president can, "cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good." And why did we think that? "Cause Obama done told me."
We should be waking up right now swimming in sunshine and rainbows and Mylar balloons. Instead, storm clouds all around, and it's raining bailouts and bank failures and bedbugs.
I'm not kidding. Bedbugs have made a comeback. In the USA. That's a straight shot of third world right there, my friends. I think I would have remembered hearing anything in his stump speeches about bedbugs.
What's next: cholera? Yellow fever? River blindness? Angelina Jolie adopting domestically?
How long are we supposed to wait before the president kisses the boo-boo and makes everything all better? Another month? Five weeks? Five weeks and two days?
I know, I know, I know. It took longer than 60 days to get us into this mess; it'll probably take 60 more to get us out of it. But after his first 60 days, FDR had ended Prohibition, vanquished the Depression and was two-thirds of the way into world peace, until that spoilsport Fuhrer came along.
Maybe, the problem is geographic. After all, the District of Columbia was built on a swamp. Kind of hard to hit the ground running when your landing ramp has the consistency of She Crab Soup.
Not to mention all the potholes, rolls of red tape and barbed wire the opposition thoughtfully installed as welcoming gifts. Knowing this, I still don't care. I just want better. No, scratch that. I want best. And I want best right now.
And, as an American, I'm perfectly within my rights to keep complaining, wee, wee, wee, all the way home. So I will.
Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at firstname.lastname@example.org.