Get ready, fight fans. The Heavyweight match of the decade is fast approaching
And yes, I'm talking about the president of the United States climbing into the ring with the GOP Senate. Kid Activist versus the Beltway Octopus.
The result of this upcoming main-event showdown over health-care reform will determine who wears the D.C. championship belt and who gets a one-way ticket to Palookaville, forever scaring children with their freakishly engorged cauliflower ears.
The suspicion in certain circles is that President might have bitten off more opponent than 60 Mike Tysons could chew. Not so much outclassed as mistrained. After all, he only rose to this lofty perch by vanquishing what can best be described as an entire grocery shelf of tomato cans: Bill Richardson. John Edwards, Hillary Clinton. John McCain. The Glass Jaw Express. Hardly the training regimen necessary to deal with some of the most brutal and barbaric brawlers in history. A point of pride for the most deliberative body in the world.
You see, this happens to fighters all the time. They slice through a lower weight class like a serrated knife through foie gras, then move up too fast, only to find themselves kissing more canvas than a Spanish busload of Pablo Picasso groupies. If the Peter Principle traipsed around in satin trunks and fat red gloves, it would look a lot like this.
After a brief promotional tour, the People's Prez is about to engage in a public pugilistic endeavor with the entire battalion of bare-knuckle gladiators that are the GOP's big boys. In order to survive 12 rounds, his managers better have trained him how to throw the low blow, because he's going up against the masters of the procedural rules sucker punch. A group to whom the term "below the belt" does not exist. Whose clinches are characterized by roundhouse rabbit punches with something hard, dull and heavy hidden in the gloves. Where the sweet science has a sour aftertaste.
This skirmish is shaping up to be one of Washington's epic battles. New world taking on the dark ages. First-time sparring partner versus the Olympic Gold Medal squad. A fresh young face from flyover country squaring off against the entrenched grizzled veterans who've been known to gnaw on each other just to stay in practice. And don't expect this brush with destiny to be held under Marquess of Queensbury Rules. It's a cage match. No silly mandatory 8 counts here. We're talking Thunderdome. 2 go in; 1 comes out. With all of America ringside salivating over the promised carnage and Nancy Pelosi as a round card girl.
Obama's only hope is to go the distance; stick and move, float like a butterfly, sting like an Avenger Surface-to-Air Missile, land some clean shots and not get trapped on the ropes by the bum's rush of the filibuster.
And speaking of bums, his team needs to keep an eye on that cut man, the punch drunk, Joe Lieberman. Sure, he says he's working a neutral corner, but this potato head has been known to take a dive or two and was always prone to throwing in the towel even when his fighter was leading on the scorecard. Ladies, you might want to avert your eyes, this is going to be ugly. Let's get ready to bumble.
Will Durst is a political comedian, who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at firstname.lastname@example.org.