I'm itching like a volleyball-playing nudist in a field of poison oak to inflate the first four-story-tall balloon and kick-start the national parade of giving thanks down Main Street, because Turkey Holocaust Day couldn't come soon enough as far as I'm concerned.
Be honest, doesn't a little comforting tryptophan poisoning amongst family and friends sound pretty good right about now? Especially what with the fragile state of the economy, and the realization that this particular holiday isn't about greasing the wheels of capitalism with the fire hose of consumer debt like that other holiday just down the road.
This one is about gluttony. Pure and simple. And the only attendant religion involves football and praying that the Cowboys bite big, beige banana slugs on national TV.
So allow me to express my gratitude for the fourth Thursday of November, it being one of the little things that make life worth living. Right up until midnight when all hell breaks loose. Nevertheless, here's a few more examples of what causes a middle-aged, round-headed political comic to get down on his knees and thank the maker.
Sarah Palin. Because to those of us going cold turkey on Bush, she's like a double dose of Methadone.
Barack Obama. Persevering in the face of apoplectic rednecks who can't get used to the fact that the country is being run by a black guy living in public housing.
Dick Cheney. Hurt his back on Inaugural Eve moving boxes. Unh hunh. Apparently even though they were empty, Pandora needed them back.
Joe Biden. Shoots himself in the foot so often, his nickname should be "Stumpy."
Norm Coleman. Loses Minnesota senator's race to Al Franken. Was also felled by Jesse Ventura in Minnesota governor's race. Lost to a comic and a wrestler. Probably won't run ever again for fear of having to debate a rodeo clown.
AIG Executives. Fourth-quarter losses in 2008 were $61.7 billion, but they still used bailout money for executive bonuses. Like giving a dog a treat for peeing on your shoes.
Bill Clinton. Flies to North Korea on an empty plane and comes home with two hot Asian journalists chicks. This guy is still good. I hear he's going back for more.
Hamid Karzai. Afghani president admits voter fraud but says election still deserves praise. OK. "Hey Hamid, nice voter fraud."
Levi Johnston. For just being him.
The State of Illinois. If Rod Blagojevich is found guilty in civil court, he will be their second former governor imprisoned at the same time. That means Illinois will have three governors working for them: two in Joliet and one in Springfield.
Katie Couric. Don't know why, but every time she says "stimulus package," I giggle.
The GOP. Waging an internal war for their very soul. GOP soul. As oxymoronic as a Democratic leadership fight. Joaquin Phoenix Talk Show Guest Handbook.
Secretary of Treasury Tim Geithner. Though now in charge of the IRS, forgot to pay his taxes. Yeah. Me, too.
Hillary Clinton. Secretary of State responds to Somali pirates by talking tough: "Thems that dies is the lucky ones."
And finally, George W. Bush. Announced his intention to open a think tank. Let me repeat that. The George W. Bush Think Tank. You can't make stuff up like this.
See, life is good.
Will Durst is a San Francisco-based political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at firstname.lastname@example.org.