OK. You can stop vibrating like a shaved poodle duct-taped to the foul pole at Wrigley during a night game in April. It's finally here.
The eighth annual Top-10 Comedic News Stories of the Year.
Veterans, please advise the newbies this list is NOT to be confused with the Top-10 Legitimate News Stories of the Year. They are as different as three-bean chili and those flannel pajamas with the feet in them.
Like strip-mining slag heaps and the director's cut of "Zookeeper." Wire-haired dwarf goats and metal flake, stainless-steel dinnerware. Serious stuff?
Oh my, yes, indeed, you betcha, there were plenty –– truth be told, too many –– grisly stories that impacted the U.S., the world and planet greater than these; but to be fair, no Kardashian references either. So, here we go with events that happened in the year of our Lord, 2011, that most lent themselves to mocking and scoffing and taunting. In amplish amounts.
10. Wisconsin State Senate Plays Hide and Seek with Gov. Scott Walker. Indiana Democratic politicians eventually joined their Wisconsin colleagues seeking political asylum in Illinois. Yeah, like Illinois doesn't have enough problems with politicians sitting around doing nothing.
9. The Budget Battles. Had to admire the yearlong Republican negotiating stance: "No. No. No. No. No." What are you guys, four? Then Obama compromised. Yeah. The same way the Titanic compromised with that iceberg. The Obama Compromise. There's an App for that. It's called the iGiveup.
8. The Super Committee. Slower than a slug on Thorazine. Less powerful than a soggy Kleenex. Unable to compromise in a million years. As useless as a rope handle on a shovel.
7. Donald Trump Flirts with Presidency. "I want to see Barack Obama's birth certificate." Yeah. We want to see your DNA. First you got to prove to us that you're a carbon-based life form. Never had a president with a comb-over. Never will.
6. Rick Perry. The candidate for those of you who could never cozy up to George Bush due to all his intellectual elitism. George Bush Lite. Which should be redundant. "Debates aren't my strong suit." Strong suit. Weak suit. Space suit. Leisure suit. Birthday suit. Class action suit. Debates aren't your black socks with sandals.
5. Occupy Wall Street. Providing the entire country with the opportunity to experience Burning Man, only without any of that annoying Playa dust or art.
4. Herman Cain. His presidential run fell victim to a classic case of He Said, She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said. Suspended his campaign, but announced he is still accepting donations. Aren't we all.
3. Newt Gingrich vs. Mitt Romney. The Newtster versus Mittens. One has more baggage than the first flight out of O'Hare after a freak spring blizzard, and the other has flip-flopped so often his ads should end with "I'm Mitt Romney and I both approve and disapprove of this ad."
2. Death of Osama bin Laden. The guy collected porn, used herbal Viagra and, if you believe the videos, hogged the remote. Hate Americans? Looks like he was practicing to be one.
1. Anthony Weiner. The whole thing was his own damn fault. If he hadn't pronounced his name like a euphemism for sausage, nobody would have cared. Could easily have gone with Whiner. Still a lousy name for a politician. Or he could have gone whole hog, "Yes, we spell it 'W- E- I- N- E- R,' but it's pronounced 'Schultz.'"
The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Will is a political comedian who has performed around the world, and is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail him at email@example.com