Doesn't matter which side of the budget battleground you stick your rhetorical bayonet in, one thing we can all agree on is ... our government is broke. Stone broke.
Like a ceramic pocket watch in a gravel blender broke. Destitute. Down and out. Indigent. Flat busted. Hard up. Cleaned out. On the skids. Short of currency. Devoid of money. Insufficient funds. Negative cash flow. Penniless. Pauperized. Poverty stricken. Impecunious. Decidedly un-prosperous. Financially strapped. Insolvent. Not currently considering any luxury acquisitions like gum. Residents of Church Mouse City with moths the size of pterodactyls flying out of our wallets. Dirt poor without the dirt. Tapped.
It's not like there isn't any money. Plenty of people, corporations and foreign countries are swimming in it. The question is: How do we get us some? Answer: We take it. The American Way. Utilize those 110,000 civil service workers in the Department of Justice wasting away while accessing Internet porn pretending to rewrite regulations nobody will read, when they could be suing people.
And settling out of court. For hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of money. And repeat.
This country is an injured party and should act accordingly by exacting retribution. No more Mr. Nice Guy. We got lawyers. Let's use them. Tell people they will pay through the nose if they dare screw with the U.S. of A., ever again.
Because we are about to file suit for redress en masse. A couple of suits. We get our suits to file suit on their suits. Which will suit us just fine.
Sue Rupert Murdoch for felonious malfeasance for distilling all political discourse into "Us good-them bad."
Sue McDonald's for child endangerment and threatening Homeland Security by producing a generation of kids too fat to fight.
Sue China for malicious intent by encouraging our insatiable consumerism.
Sue Madison Avenue for violating simple common human decency by propagating the stereotype that kicking a man in the crotch is amusing.
Sue the British to stay in practice. They're known for settling.
Sue BP for illegal dumping, gross negligence and disorderly conduct.
Sue Egypt for copyright infringement by poaching that whole democracy thing.
Sue Halle Berry for mental cruelty.
Sue France for contempt.
Sue John Boehner for criminal impersonation of a pumpkin.
Sue Toyota for unlawful assembly.
Sue record companies for willful desecration of the English language.
Sue "The View" for abusing national noise abatement standards.
Sue the Birthers for contributing to the delinquency of the stupid.
Sue Las Vegas for usurping federal authority by imposing taxes on the mathematically challenged.
Sue Mexico for failing to maintain a habitable domicile.
Sue BP again for sabotage and looking at us funny.
Sue Glenn Beck for engineering an intellectual Ponzi scheme resulting in an epidemic of cerebral bnkruptcy.
Sue the Kardashians for reckless disregard of human dignity and societal vandalism.
Sue Donald Trump for the unlawful destruction of whatever endangered species pelt is stapled to the top of his head.
Sue BP once more, for unlawful flight and running away from the scene of an accident.
Sue Joe Biden for the same reasons.
Will Durst is a San Francisco-based political comedian, who has performed around the world, and is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at firstname.lastname@example.org.