A hastily completed study by the FAA has resulted in new operational rules for the nation's airports, where air-traffic controllers have been falling asleep in unprecedented numbers.
Effective immediately, controllers working overnight shifts will no longer be allowed to watch any portion of CBS' "The Late Late Show" with Craig Ferguson.
Hot tubs in control tower locker rooms may be used only after all planes have landed safely.
Controllers will no longer be permitted to bring to work their Snuggie blankets with sleeves, or any slippers in the shape of baby animals.
Controllers at Boston's Logan Airport are prohibited from viewing replays or summaries of any baseball game involving the Red Sox.
Radios in control towers will be adjusted to block all stations playing music by Michael Buble.
The controllers' lounges will stop serving warm milk and cookies after 6 p.m.
Beginning immediately, all automated warnings, instructions and alerts will be recorded for the FAA by Gilbert Gottfried, who replaces the current "Voice of the FAA," Ben Stein.
Control tower thermostats will be gradually lowered to 75, as will the FAA retirement age.
The government will no longer pay for cable-TV in control towers if the package of service includes any of the following: Oprah Winfrey's OWN channel, the Golf Channel - particularly replays of commentary by Jim Nantz, Home Shopping Network, and C-SPAN, C-SPAN II and C-SPAN III.
The government will replace all chairs at FAA consoles with models that do not fully recline.
The following material is being deleted from the Approved Reading List for on-duty controllers: "Miles to Go," by Miley Cyrus; "The Best Real Estate Advice I Ever Received," by Donald Trump; "Pinheads and Patriots," by Bill O'Reilly; plus, anything ever written by Suze Orman, and transcripts of all speeches by Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders.
Although controllers will still be permitted to watch certain DVD movies while on duty, the following are now banned: "Sleeper," starring Woody Allen, "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps," with Michael Douglas, and the 1987 film "The Cure for Insomnia," which runs 87 hours.
Effective immediately, all recreational games of Monopoly played in U.S. control towers must have a 10-minute limit on the length of any individual turn.
Controllers are no longer allowed to use FAA computers to visit the following web sites: www.GrowBiggerTomatoes.com, www.VacationinBuffalo.com, www.KnitforProfit.com.
Until further notice, all Venetian blinds must remain in the open position.
The following CDs are prohibited at all airports: "My Plan for a Better America," by Mitt Romney; "Learn Latin in Just 45 Lessons!"
On-duty controllers will now be limited to two mixed drinks, or three glasses of wine, per eight-hour shift.
Controllers will no longer be required to read the 980-page FAA Protocol Manual while on duty.
Officials stated that if these actions fail to improve the situation, the FAA may be forced to implement more drastic measures and request that air-traffic controllers get at least six hours of sleep before reporting to work.
Peter Funt is a writer and public speaker, and also the long-time host of "Candid Camera." He may be reached at www.CandidCamera.com. This column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons, Inc., newspaper syndicate.