A thousand rainbows of congratulations to Barack Obama for bursting out of his own personal policy closet and fabulously proclaiming he believes "same sex couples should be able to get married."
Sir! Welcome to the third year of the second decade of the 21st Century, sir! You also might want to check out some of the strides we've been making in communications.
The president went on to explain he was slow in using his powers for good because it had taken a while for those thoughts to go Darwinian. Sadly, he stopped short of endorsing transmutation and neglected to hail Hugh Jackman as the best entertainer on the face of the PLANET!
What we witnessed was no eon-eating, natural selection-type evolution; this native political animal spontaneously grew flippers and walked on dry land, prodded only by a nudge from the Biden fossil.
Come to think of it, maybe flippers aren't the only body parts BHO grew.
You might even call it a chrysalis, with a caterpillar emerging from its cautious cocoon to sprout wings and fly to a lonely position atop the moral high ground previously inhabited by such disparate denizens as Tammy Baldwin, Barney Frank and, unaccountably, Dick Cheney. Facing extinction.
As predictable as a brush-back pitch following a grand slam, Republicans began to howl from eight different vantages. One right-wing rag claimed he "Buckled" on the issue. Others called him the “First Waffler.”
Might be difficult to hide Mitt Romney's 8,000 waffles behind this big one of Obama's, but they'll give it the old prep-school try.
Besides, isn't a waffle when you expediently move to a more popular position to curry votes? Meaning this swing- state polarizer is the exact opposite of a waffle. More of an elffaw. Which is waffle backwards. A polf-pilf. Or a yrrek.
Rush Limbaugh jumped into the fray accusing Obama of waging a "War on Marriage." Everything's a "War" with this guy. Bet he calls breakfast a War on Pancakes. Not to mention being a tad disingenuous coming from a multi- millionaire who hired Elton John to sing at his fourth wedding.
The president's supporters worry he offended the black church-going community, one of his inviolate bases. But come on, really? Don't you suspect he could be caught naked in a dumpster with a goat and a Portuguese seamstress and still carry the black church-going community? Just the goat? Male seamstress?
Opening a conspiratorial can of mutating worms, it has been suggested someone at The Washington Post leaked the Mitt Romney high school gay-pranking story, and Obama knew he had to poop or get off the pot before it hit.
Adding to Romney's image problems: do we really want him tackling Belgium and cutting off its hair because he didn't like the way it looked?
Michelle Obama's husband disavowed any desire to legalize gay marriage on a federal level, maintaining it should be a states-rights issue. Of course, interracial marriage was illegal in 16 states until a Supreme Court decision in 1967, and some people still consider that an abomination. Guess who's whining about this? Same marine invertebrates.
Fine. Let all gay people move to California. We'll take 'em. Then just try to get your hair cut in Mississippi. Or take ballet lessons in Montana. Or raise money in D.C. And that right there might be the origin of the species.
The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Will is a political comedian who has performed around the world, and is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail him at email@example.com.