Apparently there is no difference between what would be my Easter Bunny name and what would be my stripper name — if I were a woman.
Earlier this week, a friend sent me a chart which tells you what your Easter Bunny name would be based on the first letters of the first and last names. Some people would say a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but be honest: would you value it as much if it had an off-the-wall bunny name that sounds like the subject of a LaBelle song?
Mine was Candy Choco Latte. I know what you’re probably saying right now, but at least it beats what the charts say my drag queen name would be — Sugar Heavenkiss, which ironically is what my stripper name would be.
OK, so Candy Choco Latte is not the classiest nom de plume, but you could say it’s better than the coworkers whose bunny names are Dizzy Sugar Cakes and Loco Sunshine.
At the very least, it’s definitely beats having Thumper Cotton Tail as a name. Actually, that one sounds more like a name you’d hear on “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”
Then again, you could be named Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii, hate that name and chose to by the letter K instead. At least a judge had the sound mind to strip Talula’s parents of custody rights for coming up with such a ridiculous name.
Names can be funny things. It’s not uncommon to hear someone say “You look like a Jack” or “You don’t look like a Bobby” as if there is some sort of list of physical and personalty traits that fit each name.
And then there’s nicknames. Ah nicknames, the monikers our peers bestow upon us in some attempt to pigeonhole our existences. It’s like they are trying to come up with one word to sum up, or make fun of, everything about us.
Sometimes, the effort falls flat on its face.
When I was in college, some friends tried to give me the nickname “Mushmouth.” This was during my unfortunate incarceration also known as my brief time in a fraternity.
The name was, of course, based off the character on “Fat Albert” and meant as a slight on the fact that I talk fast and with a low tone of voice.
One of my friends — whose own nickname was “Yakker” if that tells you anything about him — was listening to me talk one day and suddenly said, “Has anyone ever told you that you sound exactly like Mushmouth from ‘Fat Albert’?”
I initially embraced the name — partially because I initially thought Mushmouth was the character who wore the oversized hat with the two eye holes cut out and I thought that was cool. The name quickly got tiresome, however, and I protested.
“Mushmouth,” needless to say, didn’t stick. That might have been because it never really caught on.
Imagine how awkward it would be to read a column by someone who answered to the name Mushmouth?
Then again, anything would be better than Candy Choco Latte.
Curt Yeomans is the senior reporter for the Clayton News Daily. He can be reached at 770-478-5753, ext. 224, via Email at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter at @CYeomansCND.